Drink.
- Thanks. - No problem.
- Thanks again. - Okay, all right.
- You're very competitive. - I don't wanna go back.
You gotta go back. You're already dirty. Come on.
There you go.
They got him down and pinned!
Bravo Company!
Go, man!
Way to go, Ox! Kill 'em!
- Should we? - Yeah. Let's go.
We'll take care of these two.
It's okay. Special assignment.
Yeah, we're with them.
Louise, it's so nice to see you. What are you doin' here?
Well, explain yourselves.
Well, sir, we were--
we were going to the bingo parlor...
at the YMCA.
Well, one thing led to another...
and the instructions got all fouled up there.
- We ended up-- - Shut up.
Okay, sir.
You men are a disgrace.
Maybe a few days in the stockade...
would help change your rotten attitude.
But we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.
That's even better.
Tomorrow you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke.
And when he sees what total fuck-ups you really are...
I will personally recommend...
that your whole platoon...
repeat the entire course of basic training.
Well, get out.
All right, now this is the second time we've let you guys off.
Let's not let it happen a third time. ls that clear?
- Very clear. - Get back to your barracks, all right?
- Good night. - Good night.
So, what are you guys gonna do?
We're just gonna check out General Barnicke's house.
He's still in Washington.
He still owes me money. Hey, Barney!
Gentlemen!
Mom! I'm home!
Now, don't worry about a thing, okay?
Oh, this is nice, really.
Listen, if this is gonna get you in trouble, we'll leave. All right?
No, it's okay. GeneraI Barnicke's gonna be gone until tomorrow morning.
Good.
Thank you.
I feel like I'm 16 years old in my parents' house...
and they're away on a trip.
Sixteen? Wanna play spin the bottle?
This guy's doing pretty well. Interested?
All right, you've looked at the General's refrigerator long enough.
- Let's go. Come on. - Let's look at the General's cupboards.
You know, you're very pretty...
for a cop.
- Oh, thanks a lot. - No. Thank you.
- You know what your problem is, baby? - No, I don't.
Your problem is that you're heavily armed, you know.
Guys have trouble with girls that are armed.
They don't know how to come on.
- Do you know the rest of your problem? - Tell me.
You've never had anybody give you the Aunt Jemima treatment.
- No, I certainly haven't had that. - First you get up on the grill.
- I'll get you up to cruising speed. - Stop!
You're sticking on the bottom, dear. Keep hopping.
There you go. A little bit lumpy.
- I'm not enjoying this! Quit it! - You're not, huh?
Maybe you need this.
- What are you gonna do with that? - This. And this.
Who's your friend? Who's your buddy?
I am, aren't I? You're crazy about me.
You're incredibly head-over-heels in love with me.
You're helplessly, hopelessly, deeply in love with me, aren't you?
Yes.
I knew it. I had that feeling.
Even before I picked this up.
It's about time you came around.
So what do we do now?
Let's go upstairs and check out the general's closets.
It's nice to know you can move like that when you have to.
Well, it's nice to know you can make me so hot.
You say the nicest things.
Hold on, honey. I got a speciaI tooI for you.
Come here.
I can't believe we're playing this.
- Okay, down on your knees. - Sounds good.
All right now, the way that you play it is...
you pretend there's a force field aII around your body...
and you try and get as close to each other as possible...
without actually touching.
- Okay? - It sounds easy.
It oughta be.
I think I'm good at this.
Maybe.
How do you win?
Well, if somebody breaks your force field, then you win.
- You just broke my torce field. - Yeah, you win.
Well, that was interesting.
It's all over with now. We might as well not even show up to graduation.
You white guys'll probably get five years.
- But we gonna get hung. - Yeah, man.
Guys! Hey!
What's everybody so down about? Didn't everybody make it with a beautifuI MP?
Oh, Stillman freaked out when the MPs brought us back.
If we screw up graduation, we'll have to take basics all over again.
Ah, Cruise, it's been a lot of fun the first time, hasn't it?
I can't handle basic training again, man.
You're number one on the death list now, Winger.
Take it easy, Francis-- Psycho.
Will you guys just relax. We got plenty of time? What time is it?
- 2:00 a.m. - Okay, 0200.
- What time do we get up? - 5:00 a.m.
0500. All right, we have three hours. Didn't you ever cram for a test before?
I learned two semesters of geology in three hours.
We can do this. We just have to practice.
We've been practicing all night, and we stink.
- Yeah, well, the brains have arrived. - Yeah, that's good news.
We go down to the motor pool.
We work on it all night. We get it together.
- We can do this, right? - There's no way in hell we can do it.
Right shoulder, arms!
Forward, arms!
Inspection, arms!
Right shoulder, arms!
Right face!
Your left...
Come on, rhythm. Hut, two, three, four.
Black guys heIp the white guys, okay?
- What did he say? - He said the black guys...
help the white guys.
Come on, guys!
Wait a minute!
Cut it out! Stop!
Hey, stupid, look at yourself!
Cut it out!
What the hell's the matter with you?
Stupid!
We're all very different people.
We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans.
We're Americans with a capital "A," huh?
You know what that means?
Do you? That means that our forefathers...
were kicked out of every decent country in the worId.
We are the wretched refuse.
We're the underdog. We're mutts.
Here's proof. His nose is cold.
But there's no animal that's more faithfuI...
that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt.
Who saw Old Yeller?
Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?
Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot?
I'm sure.
I cried my eyes out.
Yeah.
So we're all dogfaces. We're all very different.
But there is one thing that we all have in common.
We were all stupid enough to enlist in the army.
We're mutants.
There's something wrong with us, something very wrong with us.
Something seriously wrong with us.
We're soldiers, but we're American soIdiers.
We've been kickin' ass for 200 years! We're ten and one!
And we don't have to worry...
about whether or not we've practiced.
We don't have to worry...
about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung.
All we have to do...
is to be the great American fighting soldier...
that is inside each one of us.
Now, do what I do...
and say what I say...
and make me proud.
- Fall in! - Yes!
Platoon...
attention!
Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Maybe they couldn't find the parade grounds.
- It's right in front of the barracks. - That's what I mean.
Eyes right!
We checked the barracks, sir. They're not there.
If they're not here in five minutes, I want them arrested.
Hey, graduation's at 2:00. What time is it now?
3:00. We've still got an hour to sleep.
Oh, good.
3:00! We're missing it!
We're missing graduation.
- We're missing it. - Let's go.
Guys, wake up, man! We're missing it.
Where is it?
All right, let's do a little singing this morning.
Slept late
Feels great
Wine and women
All gone
Oh, my God!
Spare time
All gone
Party guy
Bye-bye
All night
Got tight
Felt good
Real nice
Real good
Oh-ho
Platoon...
a-one, two...
Where the hell have you been, soldier?
Training, sir!
What kind of training, son?
Army training, sir!
Just like last night, only better!
Men! Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Side step right! Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road
To get from the left to the right
Het! Hut!
He stepped out of rank got hit by a tank
He ain't no chicken no more
Left flank, left!
Queen Anne salute!
Three, five, seven!
Razzle-dazzle!
Hut, two, three, four!
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, sir!
Where's your drill sergeant, men?
Blown up, sir!
Sir, these are Sergeant Hulka's men. He was injured during basic training.
I see.
So am I to understand that you men completed your training on your own?
That's the fact, Jack!
- Captain. - Yes, sir?
These are exactly the kind of go-getters...
I want working on my EM-50 project in ltaly.
Oh, but, sir, these men--
Don't "but" me, Captain. I want them on the plane tonight.
Gentlemen, it's party time, ltalian style!
Not bad! Hey!
Best bunk?
That's mine right there.
Okay, who's up for the Vatican?
Let's get some people and some relics, and we'll do it.
What are you doing? No, get off. You gotta make my bunk.
We're in ltaly. The guy on the top bunk has gotta make the guy on the bottom--
He's gotta make his bed all the time. It's in the regulations.
If we were in Germany, I would have to make yours.
But we're in ltaly, so you've gotta make mine. It's regulations.
Who makes the beds?
Buona sera, gentlemen.
It is alive.
Welcome to Italy.
We can forget all about the fearful reunion.
There's a couple of things I want to get straight with you right off the bat.
I don't know what kind of shit you pulled at graduation...
but this ain't no glamour detaiI we're on.
I want to see you walkin' tall...
lookin' good and mentally alert at all times.
I'm gonna bust your butts...
to make this the best damned outfit in the European command.
Get these bunks made up! Get your gear stored!
We're gonna muster in front ot the motor pooI at 0600! Got it?
Hi, Sarge.
"Hi, Sarge." Just shut up.
0600!
As you may know, GeneraI Barnicke...
is particularly interested in this project.
He has selected this platoon for this assignment...
and he expects you to perform particularly well.
Raise it, Sergeant.
Gentlemen, this is the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle.
A reaI beauty, Colonel. You can count on us.
This is amazing. You wouldn't believe what this thing could do.
- Do you think I'm officer material? - God, I'm worried about you.
Come on. I'm in good shape. I'm walkin' tall.
I'm lookin' good. First weekend in Europe.
Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar watching a truck.
We got each other.
Well, I was kinda thinking we'd get a couple of companions this weekend.
Too bad the girls are in Germany.
- We could get a hoteI room somewhere. - Yeah.
- Spend a few days eating room service. - WouId've been good.
We could take 'em up in the Alps for a little spin.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll drive. - Okay.
We're here.
Don't forget, you promised me a reaI expensive dinner...
before we see this-- whatever it is.
Right.
Come with me, my dear.
Now, don't forget, this is a secret, so you can't tell anybody, okay?
Not unless they torture me.
- OfficiaI business. - May I see your identification?
Thank you, Captain.
Uh, yeah. Just follow me.
When the Army entrusts an important project like this to an officer...
it usually means they're priming him for a major promotion.
Wow.
I really think you're gonna like this.
Yeah?
- Are you gonna get sick or something? - Where the fuck's my truck?
Hey, where's the EM-50?
A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed, sir.
Took it to get it washed?
ls there a bathroom around here? I gotta pee.
- Hold it! - They had proper l.D., sir.
Did you want me to notify Post Security, sir?
You keep your mouth shut about this. Do you understand me?
And you Iet no one in there. No one! Not even the colonel!
Yes, sir.
You know, I think this guy Stillman is really dangerous.
Yeah, I'm becoming aware of that, you know.
Okay, let's go. Let's load that truck.
Sergeant.
We've traced the EM-50 to Germany. They're probably heading to East Berlin.
Sir, if you'll take my advice, there's a crack squad in the 42nd...
that couId link up with the Air Recon.
We'd have that EM-50 back here inside of 24 hours.
We'd be the laughingstock of the whole armed forces.
We will do this ourseIves.
Sir, those numb-nuts can't even tie their own shoelaces.
I don't care, Sergeant. Just load the truck, and let's move out.
AII right, we're moving out! Move!
I guess we're going after John and Russell.
I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you?
All I know is, I finally get to kill somebody.
Have you been doing your speciaI exercises?
- I brought the magic suitcase. - You did?
- I can't see a thing up ahead, sir. - The turnoff is just up to the right.
No, sir. If we turn right, we're going--
When I want your input, I will ask for it. Thank you.
For Christ's sakes, Captain. We just broke through the--
This is my mission. I would appreciate if you let me run it. Thank you.
Fuck this.
- Hey, Sarge, where are you going? - What's going on, Sarge?
Sarge, what are you doing?
Here you go. There you go. Get 'em up there, boys.
Stupid jerks.
Dankeschon, darling
Gunther, get yourself a new Volkswagen, huh?
Folks, don't order the schnitzel. They're using schnauzer.
Hey, Hansel, Gretel! We're your allies.
It's cool. All right.
All right, Klaus, hold it up right here.
We got some naked animals in here we don't want you to see.
Here you are.
- Here, more worthless money for you. - Come on.
- All right. - Did you leave the radio on?
- What do you mean? - It's a shortwaver.
This is the EM-50?
Mayday.
Code 21, status 7.
Code 21. Go ahead.
I'm with the U.S. Army, 41st Armored Division, Bravo Company.
I have a platoon and C.O. being held by hostile enemy...
at coordinates 416397.
They're Russian troops, about 200.
Send help. I gotta get movin'.
Hmm, 416397. That's Czechoslovakia.
- 41st Armored? - Yeah, Bravo Company.
- That's our unit. - Oh, no.
- They came looking for us. - Oh, they've had it.
We've had it.
If it's a status 7 like you said, they went in undercover.
So the D.O.D. won't even acknowledge it.
Those guys are dead.
- We gotta go get 'em. - Yeah.
We're responsible.
Come on, it's Czechoslovakia.
We zip in, we pick 'em up and we zip right out again.
We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia.
It's like going into Wisconsin.
Well, I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it.
We're so damn lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?
We're gonna do some skiing.
- Do you know Brandy? Hi, girls. - Excuse me.
What a darling unitorm. Is there a bathroom here?
There must be a bathroom around here somewhere.
Hi. I'm John Winger of the United States Army and you are my prisoner.
Why are you doing this?
Oh, Chicago.
What do we want with prisoners?
Come on, move!
Do the words "act of war" mean anything to you, huh?
- I have a plan. - Great. Custer had a plan too.
We are in serious troubIe.
He said he had a plan. Now just give him a chance.
What an idiot. Get in here.
- All right, we're in. - Nice work.
- What's the plan? - I'm working on it.
God, what an idiot. He's working on it.
This is ridiculous.
Hey, they're about to start shooting at us.
- Good. That's fine. Let them. - It's working.
- Louise, get this thing moving. - You're dangerous, you know that?
Oh, this is interesting.
I got it figured this way. They got one big gun and two tanks.
They got a hundred Baryshnikovs running around.
- And what do we got? - What do we got?
We got one heavily armed recreationaI vehicle here, man.
Okay, find that truck, and we find them.
- There's a gun in that tower, Russell. - I see him.
All right, steady.
- Got him! - All right! Oh, God!
Good one, Russell.
- There's the truck. - Must be them. Get ready!
Out, please!
John, over here!
- That was stupid. - Yeah.
- You know who would love this? - Who?
Russell. He should be here.
Help!
- Thank you. - That helped.
They better be in there.
You can beat me as much as you want!
- Are you okay? - Where are they?
- Hi. - Where are the others?
- Who is it? - It's ldi Amin.
It's Winger!
It's us, Winger! Get us out!
Stand back from the door. I'm gonna blow it.
Everybody back!
You get it.
Get down.
- One tough door! - You got it locked on the inside?
It's because of you people that I cannot get outside!
It's always your fault.
You are not capable of handling-- to take orders from me.
- Open this door! - I'm gonna squash him!
- Winger! Oh, I'm so glad! - What are you doing here?
Look out, Louise! There's a tank behind us! Move it!
Find John, will you? I'm gonna kill him.
We had a car waiting.
Let's get outta here!
We're here!
You're in trouble! You're going on report!
There's something blocking the road. Hang on!
I'm gettin' too old for this shit!
Gentlemen, we are in Germany!
Platoon, attention!
Queen Anne salute!
Get up!
Thank you. It's great to be back home.
My people, we're number one. All right.
All right, we're getting medals. Look. Valorous service. Thank you.
What the-- A surprise party!
I'll kill you. Whose idea was this?
Everybody's coming to my place. This is ridiculous.
Senator, hang onto that, will you, for me?
Oh, I wrote. I didn't know if you'd come.
No questions, please.
We just want to get back to our hoteI rooms...
and have some really serious sex.
What are you lookin' at? Keep your eyes out there.
Oh, you old dog.
Right face!
Forward march!
Left...
Left, right, lett.
There she was just walkin' down the street singin'
Doo wah ditty ditty dum ditty doo
Snapping her fingers and shuffling her feet singin'
She looked good
She looked fine
And I nearly lost my mind